Parenting Tips from a "My Child Is Brilliant" Mom. No really, he is!

I get asked “What is the trick?” a lot, when people learn about Isaac, my 21-year-old son’s accomplishments so far in life. My go to answer is “I can’t take any credit, God just gave him to me this way.” While there is a ton of truth to that statement, I must have done a few things right along the way that I am willing to share with you. There was a time when he and my bonus daughter Kassidy, claimed that I could be on “World’s Strictest Parents” (the old MTV show), and I wear that badge with honor! I have always firmly believed that God put me on earth to be a parent of my children, not their friend, it is okay if they don’t like me sometimes, as long as they know how much I love them.

So here are a few of my favorite parenting tips:

1. Something I have said more times than I can count in 21 years of parenting is “I am not their mom. God gave me one job and that is to be your mom. I only care what you do, I could care less what other kids can do. When I die, I have to answer for how I took care of and guided YOU; their moms are responsible for them.” I believe this statement with all my heart. God chose me to be the mom to Isaac and Andrew and the bonus mom to Kassidy and Sophia, which means he believes I have something important to offer them and he trusts me to protect them. I have chosen other careers in my life, but God chose this one for me, which means I need to do my very best. If you can look at parenting as a gift from God, in proof of his belief and confidence in you; you will realize how important this role in life is.
2. Another thing I have learned while sharing the lives of 4 kids is that they are all different, so very different! You must remove your hopes and dreams from their shoulders and allow them the space to create their own dreams and goals, help them find their passion, but don’t give them a passion. It is important to expose your kids to different activities and serving opportunities, but don’t over schedule them! I made this mistake one season when Isaac was in 3^rd I signed him up for soccer, in-line roller hockey and baseball all in one spring season. We were both miserable. Why did I do this? I wanted him to be an All-American athlete. I wanted him to lose weight. I wanted him to feel loved. Did he choose any of these sports? Only soccer. Did he love leaving one game early on Saturday to make it to the next game? No, he hated it! Did we grow closer through this time? Absolutely not, I spent half the time yelling at him to hurry up or to change faster or try harder. The kid was 8, he was exhausted, and I don’t know if he loved any of the sports. Now my youngest is 8, things are completely opposite. He swims. He loves to swim. He gets excited about practice and swim meets. He is happiest in the water. For a time, he was also enrolled in piano because I felt like it was important for so many reasons. He enjoyed piano when he only had to swim 2 days a week, because he had time to practice piano as well. But when we moved to 4 swim practices a week plus homework, he just didn’t have time to practice the piano and do that homework. Each week that we did both, he got more and more upset at his piano performance; and his passion? Swim. So, guess what, I pulled him out of piano. My point is, once your child loves something, let them just do that. Don’t fill in every non-school hour. Allow them to just rest and play. Will they change their passion if they are still young? Probably, but that is okay! Just let them guide the process, don’t make them cheer because you never made the squad. Don’t train them to be a quarterback, because you were a state champ. Help them navigate their talents and passions, but be sure to listen to them.
3. I also feel very strongly about how you communicate with your kids. Look them in the eye and let them see that you love them, no matter what you are talking about. If they are little, get down and look them in the eyes. If they are older, have them put down their phone; and you put away your phone too! Nothing should pull your attention away if you are talking to them about something important. There aren’t many instances when I think you need to raise your voice at your kids, and I can’t think of any time when I agree with laying a hand on your child in anger or in punishment is a good idea. I know there are so many that disagree with me on this, but it’s my blog about how I’m raising my kids and I say no to yelling and hitting. The only thing kids really learn in those moments is how to react when they don’t like what someone has done; so, if you are on board with your kids hitting others or yelling at them if they don’t like something, then, stick with your methods. I’d rather my kids learn to take a breath, walk away, think about it and come back to a situation when they are able to have an effective conversation with the other person. I am their mom, it is my job to teach them to problem solve rather than attack the problem. It is also my job to hear them out and not discount their feelings. If they are scared or nervous, help them work through it; never tell your kids that they aren’t feeling what they tell you they are feeling.
4. When Isaac was a junior and senior, I spent a lot of time helping him manage his time (meaning I managed his time). He wanted to apply to at least 12 colleges, and he was barely sleeping as it was, adding in college visits and applications into the mix was a lot. I helped him narrow down his school options, I think his original list was over 30 schools long. I kept a tight calendar with deadlines for when his applications and essays were due, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to wake him up on a Saturday to work on an application. I knew that if left on his own, he would plan to work on the applications a few days before they were due. The problem with that is, a ton are due at the same time and writing good admittance essays takes time! So, I spread them out over different weekends so everything would be done early or on time for him. Did he hate me during this period? Maybe. Did everything get done without horrible levels of stress hours before due dates? Yes! Did he learn about time management with lots of guidance, which would help him later during college? I’d like to think so. Choosing a college is a HUGE deal for most kids, they need your love and support more than ever during this time. Are they pretending to be grown up and acting like they don’t need you? Yes. Do they actually need you? Yes! Do not leave them hanging by their bad attitudes during this time, these choices are critical, and you are their parent! They need your advice!
5. Let as many people love your child as possible! My other go-to phrase regarding Isaac’s success? “He was raised by a village.” No matter where I worked, he was often a part of it. He learned to talk to adults at a very young age, because he was always around them. I took him almost anywhere I went. He was close with my grandparents and my parents. I tried to make it easy for him to build a relationship with his dad, even when his dad and I weren’t on speaking terms (Now his dad is one of my favorite people on the earth, so if you are struggling with an ex, there is hope!). I imagine that there was a time that Isaac didn’t know the definition of a “mom”, it was just my title. My mom, dad, brother and grandma were just as engaged in his life as I was when he was younger. Why do I believe this is so important in who he is now? Because of the confidence it instilled in him. Isaac has never been nervous when talking to adults, he just assumes they will like him; why shouldn’t they? He has been chatting with grownups his whole life, he is not intimidated because of someone’s age, instead, he is confident that he has something of value to add because we’ve all supported his contribution to conversations since he was a little boy. With such a large village, there was always at least someone who made the time to listen to what Isaac had to say. Now that we have moved away from family, Andrew doesn’t have a very large village, which means I must be much more intentional about looking him in the eye and listening to everything he has to say.
6. My final bit of advice, at least for today is…Be aware of everything that you say to them or about them. You are creating their mindset and you want it to not only be a positive mindset, but also a growth mindset. As I coach adults, I am blown away by the amount of things their parents said to them when they were young, that are still holding them back now. And if you think about it, you are likely the same. So do your best to help your child build a wonderful mindset. It is never too early to start “I am” statements with your children (my tip: you say them and have them repeat after you). It is also important to know the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset, you want to foster a growth mindset. Here are some examples for you.

Never be so busy that you don’t have time to listen to your kids. That is where they will learn they are valued. Learn that they are important. Learn that their opinion matters. Learn that you support whatever they are passionate about. And learn that no matter how busy you are, you will make time for them, because they are a very special gift from God, to you.